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5 June 2021, 7:26 pm

Haha, I don’t feel like posting this one😂. I wrote this yesterday and thoda bhot aaj subah. Then I was like ahh it’s super boring and sad, I’m not posting this as I’m no more in that mood. Kya choti choti baaton pr dhukhi ho jata hu mei.

The week was super long, in terms of things and thoughts. There’s a lot to put down, so I thought it would be nice if I can start a day before. Writing in one go is difficult for me and also requires waking up super early. Here I’m trying to write the thoughts that consumed me, I’m also at the shore of losing these as the week is ending, after this, I might go back to my normal schedule again. Took kind of a break from almost everything!

I left the startup, surprisingly no one reacted in any way. The book “Lust for Life” is complete. This is the first book that bought tears for the first and second time ever while reading a book. In the end, it almost felt like a friend or someone in the family has left. I don’t even know how to react because it’s presented like it’s happening now and you’re in the story. Maybe that’s how every well-written fiction feels?

I have been listening to Ali Sethi, Prateek Kuhad and Passenger. Collectively (including John Mayer) I think they somewhat have the same vibe. Maybe I like the style and because of the style, I like the artists. Most of the songs that Ali sings are written in the Urdu language. Last year I started learning Arabic (spoken) but got bored super early. I’m back again but this time Urdu (both, script and spoken). I’m enjoying it you know, learning alphabets again, trying not to overdo it in the starting so that I can continue for longer this time.

For reading, I don’t have any more books left, mummy thinks they bring no value. Not sure when I’ll get the next one, hopefully super soon, though the cart is ready😂. I have been reading or rather just understanding Hindi poetry. Looking forward to picking up Hindi literature this time. I think I have re-discovered the depth of the language. During school, I hated every language that was taught. Hindi seemed so complicated and English, out of my reach and potential.

I continued reading the letters from The Art Spirit by Robert Henri, the American painter. Let me say it out loud, I’m in love with these letters. The way he puts everything so easily, yet so deep when you really understand them. He doesn’t just talk about art and the artist, but everyday people and topics that concern them, like money, happiness, life, self-education, prize, beauty, etc. He has also explained why it is so satisfying to look at a plumber, electrician, or carpenter at work. Little that I know about him, suggests that he had a gift for articulating his thoughts.

From the forward:

“No effort has been made toward the form of a regular book. In fact the opinions are presented more like paintings are hung on the wall, to be looked at at will and taken as rough sketches for what they are worth. If they have a suggestive value and stimulate to independent thought they will attain the object of their presentation.”

“The subject is beauty or happiness, and mann’s approach to it is various.”

You might have noticed by now that I’m not in a very good state now, if not, now you know. Obviously, no one wants to spend 3-4 months to join and left something. It’s not even an internship season now, next time would be in winters. I hope I don’t get lost in something else till then, I should have waited for some time as I did got better offers after joining. I didn’t want to talk about this insecurity but then it’s fine. See how just not having an internship brings me uncertainty, haha😂!

There are some movies, videos, blog posts that I watch regularly:

  • Taare Zameen Par

  • Bhavesh Joshi Superhero

  • Sir

  • Tamasha

  • Udaan

  • URI

  • Badlapur

I spent the last days of the week watching Taare Zameen Par and Tamasha. This was the first time that I watched Tamasha.

I see Ishan as a child who wants freedom and time for him to express himself. Whenever he is inside, he is interested in the outside scene. He doesn’t like being inside, far away from what inspires him. Most of his scenes are shown in the open, with nature. The very basic things attract him, fishes in the gutter, a broken road, animals, etc. Initially, he is shown close to his brother requesting his brother to write an absent note, and doesn’t reveal when caught. When his papa comes, omg the happiness on his face, the way he runs from the bed. I used to be so excited when I knew that papa will be coming today (papa was in Tripura at that time), wanted to skip school but never got permission. Now we talk to him every day, back then phone calls and cell phones were very expensive. The bus used to drop us outside the BSF camp and then it was a distance of 2 km to home. Normally I used to walk but on days like these, I used to run as fast as I can to reach home. He doesn’t like when they send him to boarding school, the intention was good but the way very wrong. The only way for him to express himself was through his paintings and his family. When the first time the family leaves it bothers him a lot, but from the next time he’s used to that. He is seen expressing his anger by running and by not talking to his brother anymore, with whom he was very close. Very beautifully Nikum, his art teacher puts the basic purpose of art “Art class mei bache apne jaz-baat nahi dikhayenge to kahan dikhayenge?” and to his students “Give your ideas and jaz-baat some freedom to express themselves, don’t stop yourself”. When Nikum, takes the class outside, Ishan finally creates something and for the first time expresses himself, but gets scared when he gets attention (also happens when he wins the competition). Maybe he is just not interested in that part?

On the competition day he wakes up early and I think he wents outside to look for some inspiration. He’s confident this time as the words from the background voice suggest. I think after a long time he experienced love and got praise for what he really is, he gives the entire credit to Nikum by hugging him.

I think papa might be coming at the end of the month to help us while shifting. (Look at the reason😂) He can take leaves 2 times a year, for 15 and 45 days. The longer one is usually taken in winter when it gets really cold there in Kashmir. I think the very first memory I have of papa is when we were in Indore and the next day was my first day at school. He had come from the market with some notebooks for me. Same with mummy, I don’t have any precise one like this but yeah I love the first memories of people (see if you can think of any for anyone). Madhu mausi (youngest sister of mummy) raised me because papa was in Srinagar and Mummy was facing a lot of diseases and weakness after my delivery. Both mummy and papa belong from Haryana, to be specific the villages which are very close to Rajasthan. It can be sensed from the native language that is spoken there, we used to go there in every summer vacations. Ahh, I used to love those 50 days :) If I can go back and live some time again from childhood, I would choose that time. Particularly vacations in which Nani was still there, I still miss her. I think my Nana misses her too, he’s cute. I never met my Dada, when papa was in 8th class he died from a heart attack. Dada was a professor in a school and he knew multiple languages one of them being Urdu. I don’t really like my Dadi, now that I have realized she’s a bit political.

I’m liking mostly the things that I disliked when I was super young. I never wanted to study. I hated books. I remember crying before my first day at school. Papa was trying to teach alphabets and I refused to even give it a try🤣. I didn’t know papa is strict, lol how do I know I had just met him. I was always scared of the kitchen as to work there one should learn how to work with fire. But last year, I prepared breakfast and dinner for most of the days (bas khud ke liye😂).

As Delhi is opening, the traffic is back. Again the mornings are starting with horns of 100 vehicles (best alarm, never fails to wake me up) at once because one of the balconies is faced towards the metro station which has 4 roads that are super busy all the time. I have a question for you, don’t you think the days get shorter as we grow up? As far as I can think the days used to be very long when I was super small, like 9-10 years old. Now when I wake up around 10 and take some time to get active it’s already lunchtime. Where is that 11-2 pm time, I want those hours back. Mornings in childhood used to be so fresh, though they used to be super early like around 5 am. Papa would go to PT, mummy with her friends for a walk and I used to either play or just roam around with friends. Dude the camp was so green with many open grounds, that fresh air in the morning, sun, and absolutely no vehicles (very rare, most people had cycles). Even after doing all this, the clock used to show only 7 am. By the time I would come home papa was seen rushing for the office and then I used to chill, enjoying some freedom since he is not there until lunch. Breakfast used to feel like breakfast, now it feels like a meal which I’m eating just because it’s good to have something in the morning. But for children, it’s the same thing even today right? so it’s me who has changed?

Feels so sad but Mayur sir passed away, I almost cried. I texted my school friend Chirayu to get an update on his health. We were together from 1st class, he lives in Indore. It breaks my heart, I’m really trying not to talk about the thing going on. I really want to meet everyone now, who knows what’s ahead? Everyone that I know teachers, family, friends, and you who is reading this. Who knows maybe it’s my turn? But I don’t want to die before my 20th birthday (no reason though). By the way, death is crazy, scares and breaks people. But it’s fine, no one can stay forever. That’s the speed at which my mood changes. But after facing such incidents I get into the capitalist mode, where I want to make just enough money to support everyone around, friends, family, and people who reach out on the internet.

Now that we’re in this, I can make a content suggestion that calms me and might ease you too. This stream by Abhinav is super nice, somewhere in the video he says:

“It’s our moral obligation to acquire wealth if you’re in a position to do so. If not figure out how to get into that position. Once you have taken care of yourself then help your family (I’ll include friends here too), then people around you, and only then you can help the world.”

From the internet:

  • In the end, we only take with us what we give away – joy, happiness. And if we give misery, this too is what we’ll take with us. Don’t wait until tomorrow to praise; to bless; to forgive, and to laugh. Tomorrow may not come. So go ahead and think of death – think of it often – think of it each and every day. Socrates said, “Death may be the greatest of all human blessings.”

I hope you’re enjoying these (lol), if not then I would suggest finding things that you like and can relate to. We’re living in a content abundance world, I’m sure you will find it.

Be bye👋